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Láng Attila D.

  

From a Programmer’s Mailbox, 2001


  

Date: 1 March, 2001 20:03 +0000
  To: whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Please test our program
  Attachment: supergame-setup.exe

Dear Microsoft,

here is our newest game attached. Please test it for Whistler safety. Thanks in advance.

Yours gratefully,

Will Doors, Minisoft

*

Date: 2 March, 2001 22:15 +0000
  To: whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Please test our program

Dear Microsoft,

what’s going on? We have to publish the game!

Yours gratefully,

Will Doors, Minisoft

*

Date: 3 March, 2001 12:20 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  From: mailer-daemon@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Warning

Dear user,

this is the mailer-daemon at Microsoft™. There were error™(s) processing your mail sent to whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com.
  Error™ code(s):
  473 attachment exceeds size limits
  489 Bill Gates imitation in signature

Sorry it didn’t work out.™

*

Date: 3 March, 2001 12:30 +0000
  To: whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Please test our program
  Attachment: supergame-setup1.exe, supergame-setup2.exe, supergame-setup3.exe, supergame-setup4.exe, supergame-setup5.exe

…and fuck off your mailer daemon!

Wuuull Deeers, Minisoft

*

Date: 4 March, 2001 07:43 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  From: mailer-daemon@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Warning

Dear user,

this is the mailer-daemon at Microsoft™. There were error™(s) processing your mail sent to whistler.testgroup.com.
  Error™ code(s):
  614 filtered as politically incorrect: "fuck"

Sorry it didn’t work out.™

*

Date: 4 March, 2001 08:10 +0000
  To: whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Please test our program

Dear Microsoft!!!

Here is our program to be tested. Since I’m fighting with your (CENSORED) mailer-daemon for four days now, I don’t attach it any more. Please download it from w‌w‌w.minisoft.com/supergame.html and finally test it!

Will Doo… oh, no! Woll Darz, Minisoft
  and teach your daemon to accept my name!

*

Date: 5 March, 2001 19:10 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  From: postmaster@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Please test our program

Dear Mr. Darz,

I checked the logfiles™ of the mailer daemon™ and found the error™ you have reported. It is now corrected as follows:

BUGFIX:050301-1905. User report from minisoft@‌coldmail.com:
  >Will Doo… oh, no! Woll Darz, Minisoft
  >and teach your daemon to accept my name!
  Mailer Daemon™ has been told to accept Woll Darz as a sender name.

Thank you for reporting the error™.

Sincerely,

Bill Heights, postmaster@‌microsoft.com

*

Date: 5 March, 2001 19:35 +0000
  To: postmaster@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Re: Please test our program

Dear Mr. Heights,

when I will be an old man with a white beard and a Yacht Club membership, maybe for the old time’s sake I’ll tell you what was wrong with my name, which is absolutely not “Woll Darz”. But For Now, I Must Publish My New Game Or My Company Will Bankrupt. Understood? If you won’t test it in the very minute, I have to go and write Linux softwares for a pity fee. But in this case, we’ll meet at bar. So tell them at Whistler.Testgroup to test the game for your !@‌#$%^&*() operating system or give us Windows back!

Your Woll Darz

*

Date: 6 March, 2001 22:56 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  From: mailer-daemon@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Warning

Dear user,

this is the mailer-daemon at Microsoft™. There were error™(s) processing your mail sent to Postmaster@‌microsoft.com.
  Error™ code (s):
  918 mocking at Mr. Bill Gates: "old man"
  1120 mocking at Microsoft™’s financial state: "bankrupt"
  1527 filtered as forbidden at Microsoft™: "linux"
  2273 mocking at the anti-trust trials: "at bar"
  3417 imitated blasphemy: "!@‌#$%^&*()"
  5819 filtered for mentioning Windows™: support for this product is given up, please upgrade to Whistler™: click here to download a 2-day free trial!

But all of the above are pardoned for mentioning Yacht Club! Thank you. Please click here to visit our sponsor!

*

Date: 6 March, 2001 22:56 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  From: mailer-daemon@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Warning

Dear user,

this is Microsoft™ Mailer Supervisor Robot 1.0™. Mailer Daemon™ has reported serious abuses from your address:
  – mocking at Our Great Bill Gates™,
  – mocking at Our Great Company™,
  – mentioning forbidden products,
  – asking for help for abandoned old-time products,
  – sending mail bombs above size limits,
  – repeated blasphemies.
  For these reasons, Mailer Supervisor Robot 1.0™ decided to put your address in spammer lists. If you feel this to be an error™, you may turn to Bill Fates, Abuse Protection Supervisor, abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com.

Click here to download a free trial of Mailer Supervisor Robot 1.0™!

*

Date: 7 March, 2001 07:11 +0000
  To: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com
  From: SomeOne@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Help!!!
  Attachment: correspondence.zip

Dear Mr. Fates,

please read the attached correspondence and help me!

A tired programmer

*

Date: 12 March, 2001 16:29 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  From: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

Dear Mr. Darz,

I’m sorry for the late answer and for the terrible mistake™ what our softwares did. As a programmer you understand how difficult it is to prepare software for all possible cases. Of course, you’ve been removed now from the spammer lists. As for the errors™, unfortunately we must wait for Mailer Daemon Pro™ and Mailer Supervisor Robot 2.0™ to have these errors™ corrected, so I would suggest you to avoid all ambiguous words when corresponding with Microsoft™.
  Please accept my apologizes.

Sincerely,
  Bill Fates
  Abuse Protection Supervisor
  abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com

*

Date: 12 March, 2001 17:02 +0000
  To: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com
  CC: postmaster@‌microsoft.com, whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com, president@‌microsoft.com, god@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!
  Attachment: correspondence-new.zip

Dear Mr. Fates,

you solved all my problems but the real one. I absolutely don’t mind what list I’m on at you and if I can correspond with you or not. I wish my software to be tested. Nothing less, nothing more. To see what’ll happen otherwise, refer to error code 2273.

W. D.
  a very tired programmer

*

Date: 14 March, 2001 11:13 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  CC: postmaster@‌microsoft.com, whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com, president@‌microsoft.com, god@‌microsoft.com
  From: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

Dear Mr. Darz,

I believed you know it isn’t my task to test your software for Whistler™ compatibility. I’m sure the Testgroup will do their work. Please be patient.

Sincerely,
  Bill Fates
  Abuse Protection Supervisor
  abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com

*

Date: 16 March, 2001 09:20 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  CC: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com, whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com, president@‌microsoft.com, god@‌microsoft.com
  From: postmaster@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

Dear W. D.,

and not even the mine!

Sincerely,

Neill Wates
  Deputy Postmaster

*

Date: 19 March, 2001 13:24 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  CC: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com, postmaster@‌microsoft.com, whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com, god@‌microsoft.com
  From: president@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

Dear W. D., dear Mr. Heights, Mr. Fates and Mr. Wates,

Mr. President just asked me what’s going on at the Whistler™ Testgroup. They really aren’t answering. I understood W. D.’s problem but there are other tasks suspended such as Mrs. Yates’ Hello world! software and some 256,000,000 more. They seem Stopped Responding™.

Gill Bates
  Third Secretary of the Second Secretary of the President
  Circular Office
  The Blue House
  12000 Pennsylvania Ave, Redmond, BG

*

Date: 22 March, 2001 23:53 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  CC: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com, postmaster@‌microsoft.com, president@‌microsoft.com, god@‌microsoft.com
  From: whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

Dear Ms. Bates, Mr. Heights, Mr. Fates, Mr. Wates and W. D.,

of course we are working hard: testing HyperGame from Maxisoft. Now we are at level 79 and scored 512 millions. WOW!!!

Dill Cates
  Whistler™ Testgroup

*

Date: 27 March, 2001 19:22 +0000
  To: abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com, postmaster@‌microsoft.com, whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com, president@‌microsoft.com, god@‌microsoft.com
  From: minisoft@‌coldmail.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

Hey microfolks,

where to download that game from?

W. D.,
  retired programmer

*

Date: 31 March, 2001 12:00 +0000
  To: minisoft@‌coldmail.com,
  abuse-ps@‌microsoft.com, postmaster@‌microsoft.com, whistler.testgroup@‌microsoft.com, president@‌microsoft.com
  From: god@‌microsoft.com
  Subject: Re: Help!!!

In the beginning, Bill created the heaven™ and earth™…

God
  Cloud Office
  The Blue House
  12000 Pennsylvania Ave, Redmond, BG

*

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GOD TODAY?™